Dream 04 → 'The Love Which Suffers'

[irregular]

Warnings: Spoilers of a not exactly critical nature for the fifth episode of a ten-year-old anime series. Head canon. Nowhere near as angsty as the title might imply.
Dream Effects: A mixture of happiness, regret and love.



I'm sorry.

She's walking to the car when the handle breaks, and the bag's contents are spilled across the dusty surface of the lot. She curses - something mild, she's cursing in Japanese.

Ken hurries to her side, snatching up bottles and packets and a bag of rice, mercifully unsplit. A car honks its horn behind them and she raises her head, a hank of sun-warmed, autumn-gold hair slipping off her shoulder to fall in her face as she waves the driver back, rattling off something that Ken can't quite catch. He retrieves a bottle of soy sauce, lifts the bag from her arms. He smiles, and his smile is awkward.

Her English is a lot better than Ken's is. Ken's is clumsy, a parody. It's funny, really. The older guy (check shirt and big red face, white-guy smell with sun oil and cooking smoke) runs the store jokes with her about it. He likes her. Everyone likes her, she's an easy woman to like and if they wonder what she sees in him, they're not the only ones. The old guy says he's seen them before, these Japanese couples, but it's usually the girl hangs back and smiles and fidgets awkwardly with her hair or her bag while the guy does the talking. She laughs, and only laughs the harder when Ken scowls.

Hey, I learn English!
I know you do. Hon, he's just teasing. Come on.

Come on. The car's secondhand at the very least, it's blue and constantly dust-covered and every single time they argue about who's going to have to drive it. She doesn't like cars any more than Ken does, but the extra space is useful. Or it will be, if they ever--

Dear Yuriko
Hi there, Yuriko
Yuriko, my
Yuriko. I'm sorry.

She's standing by the window. Her mother's written another of those interminable goddamn letters and she's reading it, or rereading it, by the light of a storm. She sighs. Throws the letter to the table. Picks it up again. He tries to put his arms round her: exasperated, unwilling to be comforted, she moves away.

Honestly. She sighs, irritably. Irritably, she shakes her head. Does she think I'm incapable?
Yuriko, she's on the other side of the damn planet. Can't you just--
You're missing the point!
Can't you just chuck it away? It's not like she'll know if you've read it.
You're missing the point, Ken! She waves the letter at him. He closes his eyes, frustrated. She sends me this stuff because she thinks I can't--
For God's sake does it matter what she thinks? She's not here!

It's going to rain. The clouds rumble tentatively, almost experimentally, as if they're trying to work out what it would be like. He'd turn the lights on but what good would that do? She's just in one of those moods, she always is when she goes those letters. Just don't open them, he tells her, but she (why can't you be more like your sister?) she always does and this always happens and what the Hell's the point?

Oh, you just don't understand!
You're right, he says quietly. I don't. I'm tired of this, Yuriko, I'm going to bed.

I can't be with you tomorrow. Please--

--always katsu-don. That's not too out there, is it?
They don't like Japanese food, Ken. Weren't you listening the last five hundred times I said it?
Yeah well I don't like Australian food and I'm not complaining.
Yes, you are.
No I'm not!
Yes you are, you're complaining now--

--please, don't ask me why. I promise you it's not your fault. I just can't go. I wish I could, but I can't.

I'm sorry. I

There are other what-ifs, of course. There's a road and a mountain and a girl and he can't help but wonder what would have happened, what he'd have been like, if he'd ignored that turn-off and gone the other way - or if he'd stayed at home, sat in his room and sulked. He'd very nearly done them both...

You were always way too I should never ha Sorry for all the crossings out. I'm not very good at this.

I'm still glad we met.

Now he sits at the kitchen table (Youji shut up that's from a movie go to Hell) and labors over a letter. He looks at the clock and he's written four lines, and it's half past three in the morning and he doesn't know what to say...

The next time Ken looks up, the clock's not there any more. He's seeing her now as he first saw her, stood in a field of flowers and shaking the hair loose from her helmet. It wasn't love at first sight, nothing as (let's face facts) as corny as that. It was just the feeling, looking at her, that this woman was going to be important. That she wasn't simply going to check him for bruises then, with a smile and a wave, walk out of his life as suddenly and strangely as she had appeared. He wasn't getting out of this one that easily...

Yuriko. She stands there, one hand on her hip and she smiles - she's smiling at him.

She holds out her hand, and he takes it: that's all.

I love you, Yuriko. That's why I can't be there.


[Ken smiles in his sleep, turning onto his side and knocking the Dreamberry to the floor, where the recording cuts off. He doesn't wake up, so doesn't notice that the small cut flower on his nightstand is glowing faintly.]

Comments

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

I g-guess you're right.... [Nods, just once.]

...T-That's weird. I don't think we've t-talked before, but... [She tilts her head at that a little, as if confused, playing up her innocent act.] W-What's your name?

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm sure I know you from somewhere, but I just can't seemta--

[He breaks off. Smiles helplessly, shrugging. Oh well. He can't remember and nor can she: that's all there is to say, right?]

It's Ken. My name's Ken. You?

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

[Oh well, at least she got his name. She's just going to have to return that smile for now.]

I'm R-Rei... It's very nice to meet you, Ken-san!

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

Rei?

[Does that sound familiar? Well... no. No, not really. Oh Well indeed.]

Okay then, Rei. Heh, nice to meet you too. You been here long?

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

I've been here f-for about six months, I think? I don't think i-it's very long compared to others who've been here for m-more than a year, though...

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

Really? Since February? You must have got here about the same time I did, then. I met a guy the other day says he's been here for two years, though. Two years, that's nuts. He didn't seem too upset though.

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

A-Ah, really...? This is the f-first time I've talked to someone w-who got here around the same time as me. [Pauses. Oh, that description sounded familiar.] ...Do you mean Tamaki-san?

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

Really? My roommate got here about the same time I did too, but we knew each other back home too...

[Gosh, Hidaka, you're fascinating.]

Yeah, that's the guy. I can't even imagine what that'd be like. Two years, seriously. That's a long time to be away from home. He's gotta miss his friends a lot.

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

I-I see... That must be nice, t-to have someone from back home here. [Except, not really.]

Y-Yeah... It must be terrible for him, to be away from his friends and his home for so long... I-I don't think I would be able to last that long.

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

A whole lotta the people I know from back home ended up here, really. One of 'em just went home, but... yeah, there's a few of us. Though we're not all from the same time, for some reason. My roommate's like... three years ahead of me or something, it's kinda weird.

You're by yourself here? That ain't good.

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

That's weird... I didn't know people f-from the same world could come from different times... B-But it's good that you have friends from back home with you!

[Smiles.] It's fine...! I-I'm used to being alone, and the place I'm staying at is very comfortable, s-so please don't worry!

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

Pretty much. It was kinda strange at first but yeah, it can happen... actually, from what I heard it sounds like it's weirder to have someone show up from the same time you are, you know? A lotta people seem to get their friends showing up from all over the place, it's kinda weird.

You sure you're okay with that? I mean, if you really don't mind it, then... still, it seems kinda sad. You can make friends here though, right?

[In another person this might count as dropping a hint. From Ken? It's just the next thing to say.]

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

T-That's... So there's a chance p-people you were friends with b-back home might not even remember you if they came here... [She seems to be somewhat disappointed by this, just for a moment.]

I-I am, really! I... I'm not very good at being around people, o-or making friends, so I don't mind being alone.

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

Well, it'd depend when you met 'em, of course. I guess it could happen, if they'd come from way earlier than you. But I don't think I met anyone had that happen to them yet... had nobody remember 'em, I mean. I don't think it's that usual.

Well, if you're sure you don't mind it... I've never really been by myself for long, so I guess it's weird to me. But if you're doin' okay that's somethin' I guess.

Still seems kinda sad though.

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

Oh... That's a relief. I-I... I don't know what I would do if any of my f-friends showed up here and didn't remember me, s-so it's good to know it's uncommon.

I-I guess. It's really better if I stay alone, t-though. I don't want to be a bother to anybody...

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

Why'd you think you'd be a bother just because you weren't by yourself for a bit? You ain't being a bother. It's not like anybody's gonna mind if you wanna get out a bit.

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

L-Like I said... I'm not very good with people, a-and I always keep stuttering and get on others nerves, s-so... It's really better if I don't.

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

But you say you made friends back home, right? I'm sure you ain't nowhere near as bad as you think you are to other people. But if you're sure that's what you want, well...

[I guess that's that, then? Still: kinda sad.]

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

Just a few... B-But they would probably not even want to see me, i-if they showed up here... So, r-really, it's fine! Please don't think t-too much about it.

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

Hey, why'd you think that? Why wouldn't your friends wanna see you? I think you're way too harsh on yourself. But... well, I'll drop it if it's upsetting you, no big. Didn't mean to go on about it or anything.

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

I-It's... Complicated, but maybe you're right. [Small smile.] Don't worry about it, Ken-san, p-please...! If it was upsetting me, I wouldn't talk about it.

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

[Ken smiles back. It just seems like the right thing to do.]

Well, that's something. As long as you ain't mad at me for going on about it... and complicated or not, your friends are your friends, right? My friends ain't exactly how I remember 'em, but they still let me hang round them. Maybe yours'd surprise you, too.

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

I-I guess you have a point... Maybe one of my friends will come here f-from an earlier time than me, and I could surprise them. [Giggles, just a little, before adding, almost as an afterthought:] You're very kind, Ken-san.

[insorrow.livejournal.com]

You never know, so don't give up yet. You never know, you might find it way easier to get out here if you got someone you know with you. It's never so bad getting to know someplace new if you don't have to do it alone.

[He doesn't really know how to respond to that last bit, so he'll just be smiling a little awkwardly - at which point it dawns on him that this girl probably had things to do, and his stupid dream's interrupted.]

Hey, I'm not keepin' you from anything, right?

Sorry for the late herpderp ///

[hypnoun.livejournal.com]

Y-You're right, Ken-san. [Nods, laughing a bit awkwardly.] Though, it's probably better i-if my friends never came here... I-I don't want them to be inconvenienced by being s-stuck in this place, actually.

--Ah, no. I don't really have anything to do right now, s-so you're not keeping me from anything!