→ imeeji: memory one
Mar. 1st, 2019 12:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
irregularYou must be grumbling excessively, though, because when you put your thumb through the second pair of hose this evening just trying to put the fucking things on, Aya gives you this look that's meant to make you shut up and doesn't.
So it's a pleasant winter day and you're apparently an assassin.
Right.
You know this because you're camped out at this weird log cabin thing that belongs to one of your teammates, a man called Youji who, for some reason, you actually kind of like in a sort of tsundere-ish way, or what would be a tsundere-ish way if you weren't a nineteen year old boy. It's not like that, fuck sake. Anyway, he has this log cabin thing that you keep wanting to call a shag pad and he insists is classier than that and you're here waiting for this girl to show up and bring the guy who's helping her find out who was responsible for her boyfriend's death when a speeding car fell on his head after the inhabitants were murdered by a bunch of assassins who dress like Jason Vorhees fucked all of Slipknot what the fuck is going on here.
Okay. Moving the fuck on. You're up here to kill the Jason Vorhees guy before he can kill Dead Boyfriend Girl, whose name is Michiru, because you were ordered to by a shadowy figure on a videotape who goes by the name of Persia and no, what the fuck.
There are two other guys here, who comprise the two other members of Weiss, which is the name of your team (unit? cell? what do you call these things). Omi, who looks like he's twelve and is apparently the brains of the operation, and a broody redhead who insists his name is Aya. Yes, you have told him this makes him sound even more ridiculous than absolutely everything else you're dealing with on a daily basis.
You have... some things to do to make this plan work. The first is coming up, when Michiru shows up with Akihiko the Other Assassin. The second is to have your name taken in vain by Omi and Aya (yes, Aya. No, it doesn't start sounding any better with time) to get them out of the log cabin thing so they can jump the Slipknot Cosplayers when they try and jump Michiru. The third?
Yeah, that involves the bit where you and Michiru are about the same height.
Yes, you did protest this but it was three against one and Omi can be very persuasive.
So, Michiru shows up with Akihiko, who looks so absurdly inoffensive he'd better be an assassin because otherwise he's in the running for World's Most Boring Man. She is not expecting to see you there. Mostly because she's received a note saying that if she comes to the Log Cabin of Sin she will find the answers to all the very reasonable questions she has about how her boyfriend came to be family salooned to death, and she is not expecting said cabin to occupied by the guys from the local flower shop. The really annoying thing is that she actually is about your height.
Yes, you also work in a flower shop. You know, in between being an assassin. Like you do.
So she says she got this letter, and Youji says you were supposed to be giving it to his girlfriend who caught him with his other girlfriend, so this is all your fault for getting the wrong address. You tell him exactly what you think of that plan because let's be entirely fair, this really does sound like something he'd do. They go on to ask the girl if she wants to stay anyway since she came all this way and she's glad to. Akihiko looks considerably less happy about this, but seriously: fuck him. He'll be dead by the end of the evening anyway, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. You've seen worse, though, and far more worthy. You'll see them again.
So the evening passes and you make up an excuse to leave. The others then make up an excuse to follow you. When you ask what they said Omi tells you your car broke down. You remind them that you own a motorbike. Youji laughs. You wonder why exactly you like him, or wonder again. This has the feeling of something that happens a lot.
Go figure this: killing a man is not the awkward part. The awkward part is doing it in nylons and a wig. You must be grumbling excessively, though, because when you put your thumb through the second pair of hose this evening just trying to put the fucking things on Omi reminds you, kindly, that the other reason this is up to you is you're the best runner on the team. When you ask if it won't seem a bit suspicious that Michiru is suddenly so good at the 400-meter dash (in heels and thick snow) Aya gives you this look that's meant to make you shut up and doesn't, and Omi says he probably won't be thinking logically enough to notice.
That's not very comforting when you're crouching by the door of Youji's Shag Pad, But Classier waiting for an enraged man in a hockey mask to run out after you. Hopefully without noticing the bit where the others arrange for Michiru herself to be quietly incapacitated so she can't confuse the issue by making her own, no doubt far less successful, break for it. Or the bit where he's running after a man.
Actually killing him?
That bit's so easy you have to have done it over, and over, and over again.
So it's a pleasant winter day and you're apparently an assassin.
Right.
You know this because you're camped out at this weird log cabin thing that belongs to one of your teammates, a man called Youji who, for some reason, you actually kind of like in a sort of tsundere-ish way, or what would be a tsundere-ish way if you weren't a nineteen year old boy. It's not like that, fuck sake. Anyway, he has this log cabin thing that you keep wanting to call a shag pad and he insists is classier than that and you're here waiting for this girl to show up and bring the guy who's helping her find out who was responsible for her boyfriend's death when a speeding car fell on his head after the inhabitants were murdered by a bunch of assassins who dress like Jason Vorhees fucked all of Slipknot what the fuck is going on here.
Okay. Moving the fuck on. You're up here to kill the Jason Vorhees guy before he can kill Dead Boyfriend Girl, whose name is Michiru, because you were ordered to by a shadowy figure on a videotape who goes by the name of Persia and no, what the fuck.
There are two other guys here, who comprise the two other members of Weiss, which is the name of your team (unit? cell? what do you call these things). Omi, who looks like he's twelve and is apparently the brains of the operation, and a broody redhead who insists his name is Aya. Yes, you have told him this makes him sound even more ridiculous than absolutely everything else you're dealing with on a daily basis.
You have... some things to do to make this plan work. The first is coming up, when Michiru shows up with Akihiko the Other Assassin. The second is to have your name taken in vain by Omi and Aya (yes, Aya. No, it doesn't start sounding any better with time) to get them out of the log cabin thing so they can jump the Slipknot Cosplayers when they try and jump Michiru. The third?
Yeah, that involves the bit where you and Michiru are about the same height.
Yes, you did protest this but it was three against one and Omi can be very persuasive.
So, Michiru shows up with Akihiko, who looks so absurdly inoffensive he'd better be an assassin because otherwise he's in the running for World's Most Boring Man. She is not expecting to see you there. Mostly because she's received a note saying that if she comes to the Log Cabin of Sin she will find the answers to all the very reasonable questions she has about how her boyfriend came to be family salooned to death, and she is not expecting said cabin to occupied by the guys from the local flower shop. The really annoying thing is that she actually is about your height.
Yes, you also work in a flower shop. You know, in between being an assassin. Like you do.
So she says she got this letter, and Youji says you were supposed to be giving it to his girlfriend who caught him with his other girlfriend, so this is all your fault for getting the wrong address. You tell him exactly what you think of that plan because let's be entirely fair, this really does sound like something he'd do. They go on to ask the girl if she wants to stay anyway since she came all this way and she's glad to. Akihiko looks considerably less happy about this, but seriously: fuck him. He'll be dead by the end of the evening anyway, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. You've seen worse, though, and far more worthy. You'll see them again.
So the evening passes and you make up an excuse to leave. The others then make up an excuse to follow you. When you ask what they said Omi tells you your car broke down. You remind them that you own a motorbike. Youji laughs. You wonder why exactly you like him, or wonder again. This has the feeling of something that happens a lot.
Go figure this: killing a man is not the awkward part. The awkward part is doing it in nylons and a wig. You must be grumbling excessively, though, because when you put your thumb through the second pair of hose this evening just trying to put the fucking things on Omi reminds you, kindly, that the other reason this is up to you is you're the best runner on the team. When you ask if it won't seem a bit suspicious that Michiru is suddenly so good at the 400-meter dash (in heels and thick snow) Aya gives you this look that's meant to make you shut up and doesn't, and Omi says he probably won't be thinking logically enough to notice.
That's not very comforting when you're crouching by the door of Youji's Shag Pad, But Classier waiting for an enraged man in a hockey mask to run out after you. Hopefully without noticing the bit where the others arrange for Michiru herself to be quietly incapacitated so she can't confuse the issue by making her own, no doubt far less successful, break for it. Or the bit where he's running after a man.
Actually killing him?
That bit's so easy you have to have done it over, and over, and over again.
notes |
| ★ K is a hired killer. He has, at the time of this memory, been doing this for about two years. |
| ★ He's also a florist. Weiss Kreuz, ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy your stay. If you have somehow never heard of this series, this really is the premise and people thought it sounded extremely daft at the time too. This memory is taken from the second half of the first episode so no, it didn't even start well. |
| ★ Yes, this is one of those 'assassins who only kill bad guys' set-ups, though things actually end up getting weirdly morally complicated for such a stupid show. |
| ★ His team, Weiss (not 'Weiss Kreuz', a mistake half the fandom made with painful regularity) consist of himself, Aya, Youji and Omi, four young men in their late teens and early twenties. The logic behind why this particular group of distressingly young anime protagonists, where the reasonable adult figure is twenty-one at series start, are all so distressingly young is, for this series, actually surprisingly sound. There is also an explanation as to why Aya is called Aya. K thinks it's a bad reason and the idea itself is stupid, but that's a matter for another memory. |
| ★ No, the series never satisfactorily explains exactly why they thought it was a good idea to introduce K, the team's point man and dex-specced tank, by having him kill a Slipknot cosplayer while wearing a skirt and nylons. He doesn't actually make a habit of doing this, but this is genuinely how everyone else got introduced to the idea, too. |
| ★ They absolutely never explain the flower shop, either. The best guess anyone has is it's the most innocuous cover job anyone could come up with this side of 'professional kitten-hugger'. |
| ★ Michiru is a decoy protagonist and after this episode is never seen again. It's likely for the best. |
| ★ And finally: I apologize for the prose style, but I cannot play this nonsense straight and not have it take all night while my internal editor complains that I'm writing nonsense. I also apologize for the lack of source material, but the only source for this catalog of absurdities is a 20-year-old anime of extremely dubious quality and trust me: if you have never seen Weiss Kreuz, you're far better off keeping it that way. |
